1 Peter 5:10 "And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you."
My Covid-wall hitting continues. For the past few days, the walls of the house that I love have been closing in on me. The days have been extremely cold, which isn't helping much. I woke up today to sunshine and a negative 3 degrees, and the gloom of being indoors another day hit me. I stared down the gloom road once again. I was crabby and just felt off. I should have been happy that I would be able to spend this day with my husband doing some home projects that we had planned, but I just couldn't seem to rise to the occasion. We even did our morning devotional and I wasn't focused, and that is just not like me at all. Even my little pup is not herself because she has not been able to go out and burn off her excess energy. Poor baby.
As I sat wallowing today, a memory with a strong visual came to me, and I was so ashamed of myself. I am feeling trapped, when really I could go anywhere I want to. I am able bodied, I have a car, I have means, so I could leave my home even if only for a drive. This sad and powerfully strong vision I had was of my mother, and how she lived the last 5 years of her life. She was truly trapped. After following a massive stroke, she was left paralyzed on one side of her body and much too weak to reclaim any true use of the other. She lived those years in a long term care facility, confined first to a wheelchair and then to a bed. Occasionally, after the first year, we would take her out when we could, but she did not have the freedom to just go anywhere independently. She had her down days too, but her spirit and her faith were rock solid. She rarely complained, even through daily pain and suffering. Most days, she would share the love of Jesus with everyone that walked into her small world. She was then, as she is now, my hero and my example of how to live a life in submission to Jesus, no matter the circumstances, .
As these thoughts came rushing in, feelings of grief, sorrow, and guilt began to overwhelm me. God has blessed me abundantly during these past few difficult years. I have all of my needs met, my family and I have been healthy and safe, and I am free to move around as I wish. Although difficult, these memories of my mother brought back my grateful heart. God often uses memories of my past to check me and bring me back to gratefulness.
I am sure I will have other down days - we all do - but I am going to try to to honor my God by focusing on His blessings, the most profound of which is His grace, mercy, and forgiveness.
I am always, a work in progress.
1 comment:
Amen Lehann!! You listened when the Holy Spirit nudged you. We are all works in progress and those nudges are sometimes so powerful, they can almost knock up over. As always, you responded and are praising God. That is your humanity and God bless you that you have the grace to admit it.
Love you
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