Important Reminder

1/29/2021

Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

*Ten years ago, this became my life verse.

I have had a few weeks of struggle with the OCD monster. Over the past couple of days it became worse than it has been in years and years. This ongoing Covid-19 world is the culprit for sure, and I, like many of you, am just plain weary. 

I have had OCD all of my life, but was not diagnosed until 10 years ago. That was when it got became so ill, that I could no longer maneuver the world around me. With the help of a wonderful psychiatrist, anti-anxiety medicine, and - most importantly - a strong and abiding faith in God, I was able to begin living a mostly normal life again. I fully understand what a miraculous thing this is, as many people who reach the point I did sadly find it impossible to recover. I have read many accounts of people so locked in their rituals that they cannot actually focus on anything else. It has certainly been a learning experience for me, and has made me understand how complex and mysterious the human brain is.  

 At the height of my illness, I had so many rituals in place that it took most of my day to accomplish them all, and every day they just kept increasing. I actually was good for nothing other than trying to calm my fear mind through these repetitive acts. You see, this kind of illness holds you captive in a prison that no one can enter. I cannot express how exhausting this extreme mental concentration is, and I have likened it to running a marathon. Unfortunately, I would only feel the physical and mental fatigue without the elated achievement. The worst part about that period of time was knowing my husband and son were watching the person they always knew disappear right before their eyes. It pained me further seeing the grief and sadness had become a constant companion for them both. 

Again, I feel like a walking miracle, and I am sure they would both agree. Thankfully, during my recovery, I was able to develop - through divine intervention - a practice of releasing my struggles to God. It was a long and arduous process. I would release one small part of my many, many rituals every day to Jesus, and I would ask for Him to take that thing from me and help me to never do it again. This process was EXCRUCIATING, and I felt like I wanted to rip my skin off every time, but God was so faithful. Little by little, Jesus began to free me. One shackle fell and then another. He alone could enter my self-imposed dungeon, and it is only through His grace that I could see a shard of light begin to glimmer. My soul was saved many years before through yielding to His call on my life, and He saved me again from the evil deceptive monster in my mind. I truly felt, and still feel, His mighty love and amazing grace. 

So what happens when I lose my baseline and that lying monster tries to imprison me again? Unfortunately, that has been happening, very subtly mind you, over the past few weeks. Well, I would love to be able to proclaim that my first action is always release, and it certainly has been over most of the past ten years. Alas, however, that is not always the case. Sometimes, especially when I am distracted by more pressing life issues, the evil one slowly turns up the heat until I only notice when the boiling water is rapidly scalding me. This is where God acted through another. 

Yesterday, my sweet husband was a powerhouse of prayer, comfort, and support which brought me back into myself more than I had been in weeks. He prayed with me, texted me, held me, let me sleep, and took care of my every need. I felt so safe and loved. I began, slowly, to regain a bit of strength. Then, this morning, as we were having our devotion time together, he was inspired to share a powerful insight from the Lord. He spoke of how cared for and safe I I felt as he looked after me day before, and then reminded me, as well, that God is always there holding me, loving  me, caring for me, and giving me rest. It is from God, he said, that I have gained, and will gain again, my true lasting strength. I was speechless as tears began to flow. Of course, turning to God is always the answer, always. Sometimes we all need a reminder of that powerful truth, and I am so grateful that God used my sweet husband to relay that all important message to me once again.