The Storm Within

2/3/2022

Deuteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God that goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you."

I know I have written about my being diagnosed with OCD in the past, and how Covid has been my perfect storm. A world that is normally challenging for me to maneuver has become, once again, almost impossible. Ten years ago, at the height of my illness, I was housebound and mostly couch bound. I would wrap myself up in a blanket like a taco and just sit for hours, trapped in a fear mind state. Even that did not feel safe to me. It is a truly difficult thing to try explaining to someone who has never experienced it. I will tell you, though, that being trapped in your own mind is terribly lonely. I lost so much precious time with those I love, and yet during all those moments watching the hours tick by, time felt like it was standing still.

It felt like nowhere was safe. That ugly feeling has reemerged over the past two years. Something that I had, with God's grace and mercy, been able to fight through for nine years was beginning to creep back in. The time of extended lockdown, how much was unknown about the virus, and barrage of constant Covid news and conversation was very difficult to fight. In the beginning, I would go shopping for the family so I could keep everyone safe; that act gave me some control. The longer all this went on, and the more the experts were advising to wash your hands often and sanitize everything, the more difficultly I had going out into the world once again. This caused my husband to take over all the shopping and errands that needed doing. Whenever I would attempt to shop, get gas, pick up milk, etc., I would be done for the rest of the day. It took all of my energy, and I sadly would have nothing left. I know this sounds odd, but it would to anyone who does not suffer with this kind of disability, . 

So, I have really not been shopping by myself for a very long time. Today, however, I drew the short straw. There is a storm coming and we needed some food to get through the weekend, so I headed over to the grocery store after work. (Yes, I returned to the office, and that has its own challenges that I will share some other time.) The store was PACKED with people doing exactly the same thing I was doing, preparing for the impending storm. I had all of my strategies in place. (Again, this is too long a process to share here.) I was armed with prayer and these words of wisdom my son had texted me earlier in the day: "Just keep your head low and focus on God's grace." 

Like I said earlier, the store was very crowded, and there were also A LOT of people unmasked, but God's grace was washing over me. Instead of feeling angry at the people who weren't wearing masks or did not keep their distance from me, I actually found myself smiling at people and interacting with them while still staying as safe as I could. I chatted with the older lady behind me at the checkout, and joked with the cashier and bagger. I was still over-sanitizing my hands, and the fear voice was still trying to grab and shake me, but God's grace prevailed. I walked out of the store with a full basket and a calm spirit for the first time in almost two years. To God be the glory!!!

Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your Sod is with you wherever you go."