Next Step

3/13/2021

Isaiah 41:10 “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

I struggle with a fear-based mind; that is the essence of having OCD. I have written about it many times on this blog. I have also written how the pandemic has been the perfect storm for my illness, and I know I am not alone. There are many people who are now operating in fear that really never have before. Not all people are, mind you, but the illness, death, lockdowns, unrest, and loss in every area of life has been a mental and emotional tsunami for many. It has been so very exhausting, and this one year has felt like an eternity, though certainly not a heavenly one.

This afternoon, my family was having a discussion about the world slowly getting back to normal. More and more people are getting vaccinated, the infection and death numbers are decreasing—thank you Lord—and spring is approaching. Most of the medical professional are still encouraging mask wearing for the foreseeable future, but there have already been a few states that have relaxed that mandate. As we chatted, I started to wonder what it will be like for me to be back out in the world. Other than going to work – which I am only around two other people and we each have a lot of space – I have not gone anywhere in months, save for one doctor’s appointment. Even my husband only goes out grocery shopping once a week, and to work where he also has his own space. We have not been to church—except virtually— or gotten together with family or friends—except virtually as well—and we have certainly not gone out shopping for anything but necessities—Amazon has become our go-to for everything. Sigh.

I have to say, my family has been very supportive and sensitive about how I have “felt” I need to maneuver during this odd time. I can tell they are really ready to bust out and get back to life. I can feel their anticipation and excitement. I, however, do not share this eagerness to get back out there. I had to push myself to get back into the world one other time after an extended period of self-quarantine, and it was nothing less than excruciating. How then, will I do this second time around, when I have mostly felt so safe within the confines of my own home?

I will trust God fully and completely, just as I did during my last reentry. I will lean on His strength when I cannot find my own. I will let Him carry me when I cannot stand, and hold my hand when I can finally amble out on shaky legs. I will stay in His Word, as I have done daily for so long now, and pray fervently. I will read my life verses in Philippians Chapter 4, and seek out the other 365 verses which tell me not to fear. I will ask others for intercessory prayer. I will be honest when I am struggling and when I am victorious. Will it be easy? No, but God never promised my road would be. He promises to be faithful, love me, and show me mercy. He is my truth and where I will put my trust.