I write this not to cause questioning or concern, but rather to be transparent, raw, and honest. The longer I travel on my journey with Jesus, the more I understand that bringing things into the light, especially difficult things, is critical for spiritual growth and forging deeper relationships.
I have written before about the trusted silence. Those times when you may not hear from God, but you still stay faithful and hopeful fully knowing He is there working all things together for your good. At least that has been true for me. These have been times of growth as well because I continue to cling to The Word and seek direction from scripture. Even if no answers come, comfort can still be found.
So, what do you do when the duration of silence is prolonged and also wrapped around an area of prayer you have been lifting up for decades? I am weary and sad, and I cannot seem to shake this demeanor. Here is where I have been sitting these past few months. I am in the desert for sure, but I have been there before. This time it feels different, deeper, and more challenging.
I have seen God's miracles first-hand; I am a walking miracle myself. Being delivered from the edge of the cliff while my illness was taking over everything was clearly God, for I did not have the strength to manage that myself. Since then, I have tried to be a walking testimony, and although I still struggle daily, He has always been my strength.
It sounds like a paradox, I know. How can I give all the glory to God for returning me to my family and still be in this place of feeling crushing loss and loneliness? I have prayed for so many people over the years and seen direct answers to those prayers. For that I am eternally grateful. Yet the one area of prayer that means the most to me and I have been begging God in prayerful intercession for, like I mentioned, for decades, is the area that there is nothing but silence. I am weary in prayer and weary in spirit. Perhaps this too is a time of trusted silence, but I have grown very weak. Of course, this is just where the destroyer wants me to me. 😭
Even as I come to a close, I am feeling as if it is me who needs to be silent. That God is calling me to quiet reflection about all the things in my life, chief of which is my decades long prayer. This is the first time in a long time I am feeling even the slightest Spirit tap, and I am grateful.
Psalm 62:5 "For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from Him."
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