Psalm 33:18 “Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear
Him, on those who hope in His steadfast love.”
All
my life, I have felt invisible. It is a very delicate emotion for me. Any form
of dismissal, no matter how subtle, will send me into a deep sadness. Those
kinds of injuries can run deep. I cannot remember a time in my life where I
have felt truly seen. My son, who has often felt the same way throughout his
own life, calls it being atmosphere. This is not the kind of atmosphere that is
cool or mysterious, the kind that people are drawn to; it is more like the
invisible atmosphere that is all around us and taken for granted.
I
have learned, sadly, to live with this reality in my life. Many friendships I
have poured a lot of time and energy into do not last. As soon as I am out of
sight, I am certainly out of mind. This has happened to me over and over again
for decades. Thankfully, this is not true for my son, as he has several
lifelong friendships. For this, I am so grateful.
In
2020 I wrote a blog post here every evening, I had a few devoted readers, but only
a few. Even people I thought may have read it just to support me didn't. Then I
published Blooms over a year ago, and to date I think I have sold 15
copies. Some family members didn't even get one. Sadly, this is true of my
author son as well, who now has 4 books published. I remember buying a book
that was tangentially related to one of my former students. It was important to
her because it was dedicated to her mother who had passed very tragically at a
young age. How could I not support that?
My
sensitivity in this area of feeling invisible does not bode well for some of my
closest relationships, nor for my mental and emotional well-being. All it takes
is several ignored texts or, if face-to-face, not responding to me. Silence =
invisibility. If Satan wants to upend me, this is the #1 area that certainly
accomplishes the task. It hits the deepest cords of emotion I have and brings
out a sense of being unloved because I am unworthy. When this happens, my
spiritual armor slips, and sometimes – more than I would like to admit,
actually – I lose the day.
This
happens over and over, of course, because I begin to focus horizontally instead
of vertically. When I start to believe that all my value is in how others view
or treat me, I lose sight of the One who ALWAYS sees and hears me.
Always.
So, how can any of us who put too much importance on others truly seeing or hearing us stay focused on the One who does? How can we focus on Jesus' love above all others? It takes walking with the Risen Savior all day long every day. It takes reading the Bible and spending time talking to Him. It takes trusting Him in all things. It takes leaving your burdens and sorrows at His feet. It takes focusing on the One who will always love you and never let you down, no matter what. It takes yielding to Him as the Lord of your life. He sees you, and He loves you.
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