Today, we went back to church after a prolonged Covid hiatus.
Part of that hiatus was because of my anxiety, and part of it was for some
other reasons that I needed to work out with God. Both areas were a battleground
for sure, and the evil one held me captive during my persistent dark winter of
the soul. The extra issues were things that bubbled up from my past that I had
not really dealt with. True, I “got over” some things, but I never really did
heal from some injuries that happened within a former church body. Several, if
I am being honest, and the hurt was always the same every time.
Covid was a firestorm for most people, and churches had a particularly
difficult time trying to meet people’s needs and hear the concerns of their
members. Let’s face it, things got ugly out there, and there didn’t seem to be
a consensus on anything. I know many people, like my family, chose to stay home
and stream the church service on YouTube. (Thank goodness for technology!) Some
people came back as soon as the doors were once again open, some gradually trickled
back in, and some never returned. I’m sure some of our church family thought we
were in the latter group. No one could fault them for thinking so.
I have been struggling with how, when, and even if, to return
to our church. However, among other things God is asking of me during Lent, I
felt Him guiding me back. We had been back a couple of times for special occasions,
but this time was going to be for good. I will admit that those other times
felt awkward and stilted, and afterwards I went through periods of distress. It
was just much easier to stay home and watch the service; after all, we were
still hearing the message. (I must note here that our pastor is very gifted in
this area.) What was lacking, though, was the connection to our church family
and worshiping with other believers. The most palpable thing about returning
today was the people.
I had not shared with my husband what God had been working
out in my spirit until this morning, when I was obviously getting ready to go
out. In my weakness I did not want to disappoint him and cave in again. He has
been wanting to go back for a long time, but he felt badly leaving behind. Yet
there was a different feeling in our house this Sunday morning. It was lighter
and more joyful. I was still not sure what would happen, but I prayed to be obedient
and have strength.
Turns out, this day really was different from the others. I
had not alerted anyone that we were coming, we just went like any normal Sunday
pre-Covid. Lo and behold, that is exactly what it felt like. Sure, everyone is
now three years older, which mostly showed in the wee ones that we used to teach
in Children’s Church. God blessed me with the strength that I knew I needed to
be in a crowd of people once again, but what I did not expect was the overwhelming
peace I felt. I was able to hug those I had not seen in so long and worshiped
fully with the church body. Towards the end of the service, during our praise
and worship song time, I fully broke before my precious Savior and church
family. It was a beautifully powerful moment, and God sent my dearest Mikayla
to give me support and comfort. He knew just who I needed in that moment.
To say that I am feeling humble and blessed this evening as I
sit here writing doesn’t seem to cover the depth of that appointment with the
Holy Spirit that I had today. The love I experienced from everyone I spoke to,
even after such an extended time away, the hugs, or even smiles across the church
today, were precious. Oh, the profound gratitude to God I have for freeing me
of fear and injury. The overwhelming outpouring of God’s grace is all I will
ever need.
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