2/25/2020
2 Corinthians 12:15 “Though the more
abundantly I love you, the less I be loved.”
“The real test of the saint is not
preaching the gospel, but washing the disciple’s feet; that is, doing the
things that do not count in the actual estimate of men, but count everything in
the estimate of God.” Oswald Chambers
How much I am willing to give? Am I willing
to make myself uncomfortable for God? Am I willing to look or sound foolish in
the sight of others? Am I willing to serve others as God leads?
These questions are difficult for me to
answer, because I spend a lot of my energy trying not to be uncomfortable or
look foolish. Unfortunately, I have a problematic relationship with the larger
world around me. I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and not in the way
fastidious or meticulous people throw that term around. I have clinical OCD,
the kind that makes maneuvering the world extremely challenging and exhausting.
There was a time, not too long ago, that I was crippled by this disorder, but
by God’s grace and healing power, I am living more fully once again.
OCD is characterized by overwhelmingly-invasive
thoughts, and the compulsive behaviors that make a person feel a level of
safety or security. It is often accompanied by avoidance behaviors as well.
This combination does not lend itself to being poured out on behalf others for
God. Even the thought of washing someone’s feet, as Jesus so lovingly and
humbly did, curls me right up into a fetal position. It is true that I am much
better now than I was, but I still find myself limiting where I go and what I do.
My church hosts both a hunger breakfast and
a hunger lunch for the community every month. There are wonderful people who
plan and serve in this ministry, and reach out in love to others through it. It
is truly God’s work. I volunteered for one of these meals shortly after we
started attending our wonderful church, and I have not been back since. The
environment is too difficult for me. I know that sounds odd, but it drains
every bit of my energy. Is this what Paul means when he spoke about being
poured out for Jesus? Should I feel guilty or ashamed if I am unable to do
certain things?
What I am learning on my journey living with
a relentless anxiety disorder is that God is my way maker. When I trust in
Jesus and submit to Him fully, He gives me the strength that I do not have on
my own. He leads me to ministries where I can feel freedom and not fear. He has
opened doors of opportunity for me to share about His mercy and saving grace
with others. Even if He sometimes leads me into uncomfortable circumstances, if
I am trusting in Him, He will get me through; He always does. My deepest prayer
is to be used and poured out. Jesus continues to work on me and break the
chains that bind, and I am forever grateful.
As always, I am a work in progress.
Chain Breaker – Zach Willimas
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