Extending Grace

 1/6/2023

Ephesians 2:8 “But it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God.”

I have always advised people to extend grace when they are having a difficult situation with another person. I have also tried to do this myself throughout my life. We are called to forgive even when it is not asked for or sought after. Jesus, after all, forgave me and all the world with his sacrifice on the tree at Calvary. Sometimes I have found this a simple act, and sometimes I have not. I guess, for me, it all depends on the degree of injury caused by another and if it was intentional or not.

There are, however, questions I have surrounding forgiveness that is not requested by the offending party. My family actually had a very interesting conversation about the topic just this evening. Should someone who is abused extend grace to their uncontrite abuser even if they are no longer in a relationship with them? Does this kind of grace only help the giver? What about the next person who enters into a relationship with said abuser? What if the forgiveness or grace does not include change? That is a tricky one, is it not?

I finally extended grace to someone that hurt me very badly many years ago. I had a very difficult time doing this because every once in a while, the wound created would be torn back open even over the smallest infraction. I knew this unforgiveness was only hurting me and not the person. They knew the damage they caused, but they never asked me to forgive them or even admitted that they did was hurtful. Truly, what they did could have changed the trajectory of my life.

What dawned on me, during a dinner conversation with my family this evening, was that this person never had to face the damage they caused, so there was no change in their behavior. It was hurtful and selfish, and that is still firmly in place all these years later. It is very clear with their behavior even now.

Unfortunately, I have had more than one relationship like this. It is true that we can forgive without contrition from the other side, but that only really helps us move forward. The person who does the damage often stays exactly the same. Sigh. They may, unless having truth spoken in love toward them, continue to inflict damage on others. If I don’t at least try to be honest, even though it is extremely difficult, do I become an accomplice in other damaging acts? I can still extend grace even if I am met with a closed heart, but shouldn’t I at least try?

Do we need to extend grace and also speak truth? Isn’t that what yielding to Jesus is? We confess, accept that we are sinners, repent, and then die to self? Isn’t that the goal?