2 Corinthians 12:9 "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ will rest upon me."
Yesterday, I reached my Covid saturation point. It was a rough day. I woke up this morning grieving. I was feeling the profound loss of precious time with those I love. I have been blessed to have both my husband and my son with me throughout the duration of this ongoing pandemic, and we have had a few times when we went out into the world or saw friends and family, but those moments have been few and far between. Honestly, most of those events took place during that short 2021 summer window when the CDC said vaccinated people could shed their masks, and it looked like things would start getting back to normal. We were even careful during that time by what little we did outside. At the time, it was emotionally uplifting, but it was not enough to have a lasting effect before we were once again masked and distancing.
Today, I am feeling a deep loss of precious time. I am grieving. I miss my extended family, I miss my friends, and I miss attending church and worshiping with fellow believers. I miss the connection of being in God's word with His people. I miss how I would be uplifted, challenged, and blessed. I miss hugging people, and being there in times of crisis and joy. I miss being mindful of the individual instead of concentrating on a virus I cannot control.
My feelings of invisibility, that I have had since I was a young child, have bubbled up again. I have disappeared out of people's lives, and they have rightfully moved on. This has happened more times than I can count on my journey, but usually it is because our family has moved away. Now it is because I have been MIA for almost two years from people's lives. This is time I can never get back.
I often "joke" that we are all living out the movie Groundhog's Day. My issue is, unlike the main character in the film, I have largely not taken this time of quiet sameness to improve myself in any way. I have not learned a new skill or affected someone's life for the better. I have hunkered down. The worst part is that, because of my approach to Covid, my husband and son have also locked down their lives in order to keep me balanced. When I shared with my husband that I had hit the Covid wall yesterday, he told me he had hit that same wall a long time again. After saying that, he shared that he then got up and went right over the wall and is on the other side. Alas, I am not quite ready to climb over that intimidating wall. I know, however, that Jesus will give me strength to do so, or He will lift me into the palm of His hand and carry me over. For when I am weak, He is strong.
It is, after all, always darkest before the dawn.
Oh my dear sister if you could only see what you are and all that you do for God, you would amaze yourself. You have not disappeared. Yes the world seems smaller and you are struggling to find your place but your place has always been with God. You have steeped yourself in prayer, you have shared your message of love, and you STARTED A BLOG, and you WROTE A BOOK. You hardly have disappeared from people's lives. Your new skill????? Your faith is stronger than ever. You are resolute in your beliefs and your faith and you have the two men whom you love dearly with you. The physicality of all of this is burdensome but you are not MIA Lehann. Make a list of the of the positives and the negatives in your life. Make a list of your blessings and the things that the Lord has brought you during this time. Don't despair and if you are then say a prayer, BE STILL AND KNOW THAT GOD IS WITH YOU, and keep pushing ahead.
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