1/28/2020
Acts 26:14 “Saul, Saul, why persecutes thou
Me?”
“Am I set on my own way for God? We are
never free from this snare until we are brought into the experience of the
baptism of the Holy Ghost and fire. Obstinacy and self-will always a stab Jesus
Christ. It may hurt no one else, but it wounds His Spirit.” Oswald Chambers
I have been involved in ministry, in one
form or another, for over thirty years. Anytime I was asked to serve, I usually
did. In my early Christian walk, I did not pray about these decisions; I just
filled the holes where needed. I also did not have regular daily devotions, but
had more of a fits-and-starts approach to my time in God’s word and in prayer. I
was mostly serving blindly. I had a willing spirit (well, most of the time),
but I was not truly prepared to teach. Oh sure, I would plan a lesson or familiarize
myself with the prepackaged unit being taught, but I relied on myself without
seeking the wisdom and power of the Holy Spirit. I am ashamed to admit that
this period of underdeveloped faith lasted for many years. I did all of these things out of
my love for Jesus, while not seeking His leading or His will. Being in ministry
during this time often left me frustrated and exhausted. I rarely felt uplifted
or excited after a time of teaching or serving, and I experienced burnout quickly, although no one would have been able to tell. Jesus was in the mix for
sure, but was not my Leader. No, I took on that role. Once again, self-will
reigned supreme.
Then, almost a decade ago, I was stopped cold while I entered a period of profound darkness. My faith was tested on every level and I felt totally lost, but God was always there, waiting for me to fully release control to Him. I am very thankful for that time of deep struggle, because it led me to a place of complete
submission and reliance on my Heavenly Father. There was nowhere else for me to go but
vertical. I started to seek Him in all things, and to pray in every situation. I was slowly developing a freedom in my spirit to share my faith
with those around me. I began journaling and digging deeper into God’s Word. God
was teaching me that I needed to die to self every day, and I am so grateful.
This may sound counterintuitive in today’s world, but releasing all to Him set
me free.
Today, I start my
daily prayer time with gratitude. I thank God for the rich blessings in my
life, chief of which is the saving grace of Jesus’ sacrifice. I thank Him for
every new day, and for every breath I take. It is powerful to concentrate on
breathing while quietly in prayer, to realize that I am a vapor, and God is in
control of every breath I take. I am always overwhelmed that the Creator of the
universe listens to me, and that I can come to Him with everything. I feel so small and humbled to my core meditating on
His majesty and love for me, and yet I feel closer to Him than anyone.
When I serve now,
I do so with a saturation of prayer and a heart open to the Holy Spirit, and
instead of frustration and exhaustion I feel exhilarated. Amazing grace how
sweet the sound!
Hills and Valleys - Tauren Wells
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